18 replies to this topic

[Rhodri]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER.

A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR.

Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the
cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Creepin_pyro]

Hehe - I think I managed to avoid all SCHOOLPOO incidents as a matter of principal, but now I'm working It's a different matter altogether - a WORKPOO is inevitable, no matter how well prepared you think you are.

Problem is, I work in a college WITH NO STAFF TOILETS

I have managed to locate a SAFE HAVEN, (disabled lockable loo) but unfortunately it is located directly opposite the principals office - and I wouldn't want to do the WALK OF SHAME with the principal in my face.

Seem to be a worrying number of JAILBREAKS emminating from the stairwells of late.

Edited by Creepin_pyro, 20 May 2004 - 03:29 PM.

[Rhodri]

Ha! Ha!

[pyrodude]

lol i hate UNCLE TED's!!!!!

[spawned]

Have this problem all the time in awkward places like on an airplane, god sometimes on long flights a WALK OF SHAME is inevitable and in public toilets theres always a TURD BURGLAR.

[adamw]

Oh hahahah how I laughed! Rhodri you are the man!

Tis all very true. I would say I'm a high-tech Out-of-the-closet. I take my WLAN enabled PDA to the John and surf the forum from there sometimes! heh!

[Matt]

Thank god the crapper at my work is outdoors!

[pritch]

last public crap i had i had to ask the pretty barmaid for some toilet roll. This is the local pub. She was trying not to laugh cause i was really desperate. I mean desperate. I goto to the toilet, bumped the seat and it fell off making a loud bang. I then had to tell her I had broke the toilet and asked if i could use the disabled which the staff use. She gave me the key. I had my crap.
I never go unless I have diarhea so can't hold it in. I hate pooing in public. I really am a home s**tter.

[Richard H]

[Phoenix]

THE ILLUSIONIST

One who badly needs a leek, and goes to resolve this. However, after standing in front of the bog for a few moments, it becomes apparant that nothing is happening. The system just will not cooperate. After 30 seconds, in order to avoid appearing odd, they pull the chain, wash and dry hands, and leave as normal. They will then either spend the rest of the day in considerable discomfort, or keep trying to find some opportunity to sneak back to the bog and try again.

[Rhodri]

Excellent contribution there my fiery friend!

Here's a few more:

SECOND SITTING

An over whelming urge that follows shortly after the first dump. This will occur when clothes are fully adorned and hands have been washed and dried.

The urge is to go again - hence SECOND SITTING.

CRAPNEL

The explosive (and sometimes painful) expulsion of several fragments of poo. This can often be caused from too much real ale or a Jalfrezi at 2:30 am the morning before.

[Matt]

http://www.fartnames.com/

http://www.poopnames.com/

some absolute pearlers!

-Matt

[Rhodri]

Ha!, Ha!, Ha!

Superb Matt SUPERB!

Admins, I know this is really childish but it's so funny. Can we see how long we can keep this thread going?

[adamw]

The GOLDEN HAND-DRYER

If you think a MELON or ESCAPEE etc is on the way, wait until someone activates the GOLDEN HAND-DRYER. You can then be as noisy as you want. However, a GOLDEN HAND-DRYER sometimes can mask the presence of an UNCLE TED or counteract an ASTAIRE.

Rhodri - I whole heartedly approve.

[Flashy]

The CRASH MAT
This is an indespensible tool when taking a crafty WORKPOO or a HOMEPOO with guests in the area. The crashmat is several layers of toilet paper loosely dropped into the bottom of the pan, covering all the water. This can be used to avoid a MELLON.