Rhodri

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER.

A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR.

Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the
cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Amateur rocket fired into space

Here are some ways to really annoy people big time:

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking
to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then
pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its
your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real
hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can
of antiseptic.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your
boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors
you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at
passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what
you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud
enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down
and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

Hi All

Found this link which is very interesting!

ROCKET_FUEL

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
37) You only ever remember the worst jingles...(Where in the world? P.C.World!)
38) Old people really do smell of cabbage.
39) No-one has ever seen a baby called Terry.
40) In every classroom there is a kid who smells of wee.
41) You used to spend entire lessons wondering whether or not that kid was
you.
42) Then you realised you had been eating scampi flavoured Nik Naks at
break time.
43) Men are physically incapable of ironing.
44) Fred Dineage has stayed the same age for 25 years.
45) Men have to attempt at least 5 press ups after watching a Rocky film.
46) Everyone in Southampton knows Craig David.
47) You always cough when you call in sick.